Working Script for Rabbit Trax Comedy Radio Show #35

Title - Ceiling Tape

by Thomas H. Hunter - 17 APR 93

Sam : Hello Bo.

Tom : Hi Sam. What do you have there?

Sam : It's a package for Muggins.

Tom : A package for Muggins, eh? Let me see.

EFFECTS: (Shake package)

Tom : I wonder what's in it. I can't tell by the sound.

Sam : It's sealing tape.

Tom : How can you tell that?

Sam : It says so right here on the box.

Tom : Oh. Well, I wonder what Muggins wants with a whole carton of sealing tape.

Sam : Maybe he's going to tape this radio show?

Tom : Or it might be to feed his tapeworm.

Sam : Maybe we could tape his mouth?

Tom : Or Hot Rod's!

Sam : Or yours.

Tom : Listen Sam, I didn't let you in here to insult me.

Sam : Then who usually does it, Bo?

Tom : What do you want to do with this case of tape.

Sam : I thought I'd stick it in Muggins' mailbox with the rest of his mail.

Tom : That will be kind of hard, he carries it around with him.

Sam : Muggins carries around his mail?

Tom : No. He carries around his mailbox. He says it's so he doesn't miss any letters. Isn't it too big for his mailbox anyway?

Sam : Maybe we could stick it in his mouth.

Tom : You know, I think it would fit. I have a better idea. Why don't you just leave it here in the studio. I'll give it to him when he comes in.

Sam : OK. See ya 'round, Bo.

Tom : Goodbye Sam.

Muggins: Hoi! Anybody here?

Tom : Hello muggins.

Muggins: Oh, I didn't see you standing there in front of me. Why don't you speak up instead of standing there and scaring honest people out of their britches!

Tom : Why don't you put those back on before Bill sees you?

Muggins: I'm expecting a package in the mail. Did it come yet?

Tom : Why don't you look in your mailbox?

Muggins: Oh, yur. Um, have you seen my mailbox? I'm always losing it.

Tom : It's in your hand.

Muggins: Well no wonder I couldn't find it. I wonder what dummy left it there. Some dimwit, numbskull is always hiding my mailbox. And he always hides it in the same place too! I never think of looking in the same place. Would you?

Tom : No I guess not. I always look in different places for something that's lost.

Muggins: That's right. If it were in the same place all the time, it wouldn't be lost.

Tom : Yes, I guess it wouldn't. No.

Muggins: Yur, er, no, er... Are you agreeing with me or not?

Tom : Yes.

Muggins: Yes you are, or yes you're not?

Tom : No, Of course!

Muggins: Oh, OK. For a minute there I thought you weren't. Were you?

Tom : Have you looked in the mailbox to see if your package came.

Muggins: I forgot. I'll just check here... Oh, bugars! Now I've lost the mailbox again.

Tom : Why don't you sit down on this crate and take a load off your mind.

Muggins: That's a good idea. Us genius types tire our brains very easily.

Tom : We wouldn't want to tax your brain.

Muggins: Are they going to do that too?

Tom : Do what? Tax your brain?

Muggins: Yur. As if we don't pay enough taxes.

Tom : I hear they're going to charge a tax equal to your IQ.

Muggins: Oh, oh. Then I'm in trouble!

Tom : Why, don't you have a big enough bank account?

Muggins: It's not that. It's just that I'm out of pennies. (Laughs) I wonder if my package has come yet. I better check my mailbox.

Tom : You're sitting on it.

Muggins: No, silly. I'm not sitting on my mailbox. It's been right here in my hand the whole time!

Tom : I mean you're sitting on your package.

Muggins: Oh, I wonder who put that under me? Let's see here. Yup, that's my ceiling tape all right.

Tom : What are you going to seal with it?

Muggins: What are you talking about?

Tom : Your sealing tape. What are you going to seal with it.

Muggins: You can seal things with ceiling tape.

Tom : I think I need to rest my brain. What do you mean you can't seal things with sealing tape?

Muggins: This is ceiling tape. C-E-I-L-... I... (mumble, mumble).

Tom : C-E-I-L-I-N-G tape?

Muggins: Yur. That's it. You use it to stick things on the ceiling.

Tom : Now that's ridiculous! What could you possible want to stick to the ceiling?

Muggins: It's not re-doc-u-lis. How 'bout that couch?

Tom : Why would anyone want to stick a couch on the ceiling?

Muggins: Well, you see how crowded it is in here?

Tom : Yes...

Muggins: Now look at the ceiling. Is it crowded up there?

Tom : No, of course not. But what does that...

Muggins: If you took half of this furniture and stuck it on the ceiling with this ceiling tape, think of how much more room there would be down here.

Tom : But... You can't... Hmmm...

Muggins: I'm right aren't I.

Tom : Well... I...

Muggins: See, us brilliant people are always right. that's what makes us brilliant!

Tom : OK. You've convinced me.

Muggins: You finally admit that I'm brilliant?

Tom : I'm not THAT gullible.

Muggins: If you hang around me long enough you could be just as brilliant as I am.

Tom : I lie awake nights worrying about just that. I meant about all that wasted space on the ceiling.

Muggins: Here, you hold this couch up to the ceiling and I'll stick it on with my ceiling tape.

Tom : Sounds like a good plan to me. but first let's hear from...

Hot Rod: Hi Mr. Tom.

Tom : Hello Hot Rod.

Hot Rod: Why is the couch on the ceiling?

Tom : Well, I was thinking about how crowded the studio was and then about all that wasted space on the ceiling. So I moved half of the furniture up there. Brilliant, isn't it?

Hot Rod: Sounds like the kind of half-brained scheme Mr. Muggins would cook up!

Tom : If that's the way you're going to be, I can get a better grade of insults from Angela and Robbie. Goodbye!

Hot Rod: Boy oh boy, you can't even tell the truth around here without somebody jumpin' on you.

EFFECTS: (Crash)

Hot Rod: Hey! Get off me!

Muggins: Oh, hello Hot Rod. I hope I didn't hurt you.

Hot Rod: No, you just scared me right out of my britches!

Muggins: Well, you better put them on again before Bill sees you.

Hot Rod: Either you shortened my legs when you fell on me or my britches grew.

Muggins: That's odd. Mine got awfully short. Look, you can see my knees.

Hot Rod: Is that what those are. I thought they were two volley balls on stwings.

Muggins: Listen here, I can get a better grade of insults from Angela and Robbie, only they're busy right now.

Hot Rod: Then my insults will just have to do, won't they?

Muggins; Yur, I guess so. What else you got?

Hot Rod: How 'bout, is that yer nose or did you just come back from steering a ship?

Muggins: How did you know?

Hot Rod: Well, it's in the middle of yer face. It has to be yer nose.

Muggins: No, no. I mean how did you know that I used to work on a tow boat?

Hot Rod: What did you do, stick your head in the water to steer?

Muggins: Don't re-doc-u-lis. You can't stick your head into ice?

Hot Rod: You sailed on ice?

Muggins: Yur. We went at a pretty good clip.

Hot Rod: What eggzackly was yer job, Mr. Muggins?

Muggins: I had to hitch up the sleds that we towed.

Hot Rod: Now wait a minute! You pulled a sled with a towboat?

Muggins: I wish you would pay attention. I didn't say anything about a boat. I had a snow-goat when I was in Alaska. We pulled sleds for the eskimos. Made a pretty penny too?

Hot Rod: What did you do with it?

Muggins: With the penny? I used it to pay my brain tax. They base it on your IQ you know.

Hot Rod: No. I mean what did you do with the goat.

Muggins: Well, the last winter I was there, times got hard out on the tundra. Things were so bad I was reduced to eating rocks. I mean, I didn't have a choice, now did I?

Hot Rod: You didn't?

Muggins: Yur, I had to trade old Elsie Belle to an eskimo for a rock... to keep me from starving or worse.

Hot Rod: What could be worse than starving.

Muggins: Oh, let's see... Making panacakes over an open fire is pretty bad!

Hot Rod: You were reduced to that, were you?

Muggins: It was the same winter, just before I had to sell off poor Elsie Belle. I had a hundred pounds of pancake mix and a couple gallons of maple syrup and I had heard you could fry panacakes on a hot rock.

Hot Rod: So you made your pancakes on a heated rock?

Muggins: Yur, I heated the rock in the frying pan over the camp stove.

Hot Rod: Now that takes a lot of brains.

Muggins: Yur, that's why my brain tax is so high!

Hot Rod: A penny is hardly a high tax.

Muggins: How much brain tax do you pay?

Hot Rod: I don't pay any, of course! Neither does anyone else I know.

Muggins: See then, my brain tax is much higher!

Hot Rod: Well, how did you make pancakes after you sold the goat and couldn't get any more milk?

Muggins: Don't be silly. You can't get milk from a billy goat.

Hot Rod: Elsie Belle was a billy goat?

Muggins: Yur.

Hot Rod: Well, (This is exasperating, folks!) why did you call him Elsie Belle?

Muggins: So the eskimo wouldn't know he was a billy goat?

Hot Rod: The eskimo wanted goat's milk only he didn'y know Elsie Belle was a billy goat?

Muggins: Yur.

Hot Rod: What happened when he found out?

Muggins: Let me put it this way, if you hear an eskimo pulling a goat knock on the door, tell him you never heard of me and that you haven't seen me in eight years.

Hot Rod: OK, I'll be sure to tell him that?

Muggins: Why? Is he here?

Hot Rod: No. No. I mean if he comes.

Muggins: Do you know something your not telling me?

Hot Rod: Angela and Robbie are free now. They could tell you better.

Muggins: Oh, I'll go ask them. Hey Angela! Robbie! Wait up!

Tom : Where is Muggins going in such a hurry?

Hot Rod: It's a long story. I'll tell you while you play this wecord.

Tom : Let's see here...

Hot Rod: And I never did find out why he fell out of the sky.

Tom : The ceiling. He fell from the ceiling.

Hot Rod: I'm sorry I asked.

Tom : Let me explain...

EFFECTS: (Streetcar enters)

Cooper : Yuk zee mush!

Tom : Hello Cooper.

Hot Rod: Hi Mr. Cooper.

Cooper : Is you again! I tell-it you, stay off dem tracks.

Hot Rod: Awww. You gwown-ups don't want me ta have any fun.

Cooper : Last time you play on-it track you throw turnout. I end up in Katmandu.

Hot Rod: That sounds like fun!

Cooper : You try push-it stritcara up mountain!

Hot Rod: Yer just a old fuddy-duddy.

Cooper : You be little brat!

Tom : I'll tell you what Hot Rod, just for today you can go down in the sub basement and play in the furnace.

Hot Rod: Oh goodie! That sounds like fun. Byeeee.

Tom : So Cooper, what's new with you?

Cooper : I got to make big trip.

Tom : You mean to tow your streetcar back from Katmandu?

Cooper : Don't you be smart guy!

Tom : All right, all right. What kind of big trip?

Cooper : I got go by artic circle, pick up eskimo.

Tom : I didn't realize that the streetcar was the prefered mode of travel for an eskimo. What happened to his dogsled.

Cooper : He say his goat get tired pull-it sled so he call-it for stritcara.

Tom : So you have to go to the arctic circle with your streetcar to pick up an eskimo with a goat. Where does this eskimo need to go?

Cooper : He come-it here.

Tom : Here? You mean to Texas? No wonder the goat can't pull the sled.

Cooper : No, no. I mean here, by radio station.

Tom : You mean you're going to bring this eskimo to Yesterday USA?

Cooper : Sure. And he buy-it ticket for goat.

Tom : How does an eskimo even know about Yesterday USA?

Cooper : By satellite dish. He say he hear-it his old friend, Muggins.

Tom : Really.

Muggins: Oh, oh. I think I better leave. Cooper, when are you going to the South Pole?

Cooper : South Pole? Vhat make you tink I vant go by-it South pole. You tink it not bad enough I got go by Varsaw, Dallas and Pittsborgh? And now I got go by Alaska. Vhy you tink I vant go by South Pole?

Muggins: I'll buy a ticket.

Cooper : Oh, is different. Round trip or vun vay?

Muggins: One way.

Cooper : I got charge you extra 'cause I come-it back empty.

Muggins: How much?

Cooper : Vun goat.

Muggins: You got it. C'mon Billy.


Cooper : I remember-it goat milk from old country. Ho boy!

Muggins: Oh, oh. Uh, c'mon Ernestine.


Cooper : I see you later, kid.

EFFECTS: (Streetcar leaves)