Sam : Hello Bo.
Tom : Hi Sam. What do you have there?
Sam : It's a package for Muggins.
Tom : A package for Muggins, eh? Let me see.
EFFECTS: (Shake package)
Tom : I wonder what's in it. I can't tell by the sound.
Sam : It's sealing tape.
Tom : How can you tell that?
Sam : It says so right here on the box.
Tom : Oh. Well, I wonder what Muggins wants with a whole carton of sealing tape.
Sam : Maybe he's going to tape this radio show?
Tom : Or it might be to feed his tapeworm.
Sam : Maybe we could tape his mouth?
Tom : Or Hot Rod's!
Sam : Or yours.
Tom : Listen Sam, I didn't let you in here to insult me.
Sam : Then who usually does it, Bo?
Tom : What do you want to do with this case of tape.
Sam : I thought I'd stick it in Muggins' mailbox with the rest of his mail.
Tom : That will be kind of hard, he carries it around with him.
Sam : Muggins carries around his mail?
Tom : No. He carries around his mailbox. He says it's so he doesn't miss any letters. Isn't it too big for his mailbox anyway?
Sam : Maybe we could stick it in his mouth.
Tom : You know, I think it would fit. I have a better idea. Why don't you just leave it here in the studio. I'll give it to him when he comes in.
Sam : OK. See ya 'round, Bo.
Tom : Goodbye Sam.
Muggins: Hoi! Anybody here?
Tom : Hello muggins.
Muggins: Oh, I didn't see you standing there in front of me. Why don't you speak up instead of standing there and scaring honest people out of their britches!
Tom : Why don't you put those back on before Bill sees you?
Muggins: I'm expecting a package in the mail. Did it come yet?
Tom : Why don't you look in your mailbox?
Muggins: Oh, yur. Um, have you seen my mailbox? I'm always losing it.
Tom : It's in your hand.
Muggins: Well no wonder I couldn't find it. I wonder what dummy left it there. Some dimwit, numbskull is always hiding my mailbox. And he always hides it in the same place too! I never think of looking in the same place. Would you?
Tom : No I guess not. I always look in different places for something that's lost.
Muggins: That's right. If it were in the same place all the time, it wouldn't be lost.
Tom : Yes, I guess it wouldn't. No.
Muggins: Yur, er, no, er... Are you agreeing with me or not?
Tom : Yes.
Muggins: Yes you are, or yes you're not?
Tom : No, Of course!
Muggins: Oh, OK. For a minute there I thought you weren't. Were you?
Tom : Have you looked in the mailbox to see if your package came.
Muggins: I forgot. I'll just check here... Oh, bugars! Now I've lost the mailbox again.
Tom : Why don't you sit down on this crate and take a load off your mind.
Muggins: That's a good idea. Us genius types tire our brains very easily.
Tom : We wouldn't want to tax your brain.
Muggins: Are they going to do that too?
Tom : Do what? Tax your brain?
Muggins: Yur. As if we don't pay enough taxes.
Tom : I hear they're going to charge a tax equal to your IQ.
Muggins: Oh, oh. Then I'm in trouble!
Tom : Why, don't you have a big enough bank account?
Muggins: It's not that. It's just that I'm out of pennies. (Laughs) I wonder if my package has come yet. I better check my mailbox.
Tom : You're sitting on it.
Muggins: No, silly. I'm not sitting on my mailbox. It's been right here in my hand the whole time!
Tom : I mean you're sitting on your package.
Muggins: Oh, I wonder who put that under me? Let's see here. Yup, that's my ceiling tape all right.
Tom : What are you going to seal with it?
Muggins: What are you talking about?
Tom : Your sealing tape. What are you going to seal with it.
Muggins: You can seal things with ceiling tape.
Tom : I think I need to rest my brain. What do you mean you can't seal things with sealing tape?
Muggins: This is ceiling tape. C-E-I-L-... I... (mumble, mumble).
Tom : C-E-I-L-I-N-G tape?
Muggins: Yur. That's it. You use it to stick things on the ceiling.
Tom : Now that's ridiculous! What could you possible want to stick to the ceiling?
Muggins: It's not re-doc-u-lis. How 'bout that couch?
Tom : Why would anyone want to stick a couch on the ceiling?
Muggins: Well, you see how crowded it is in here?
Tom : Yes...
Muggins: Now look at the ceiling. Is it crowded up there?
Tom : No, of course not. But what does that...
Muggins: If you took half of this furniture and stuck it on the ceiling with this ceiling tape, think of how much more room there would be down here.
Tom : But... You can't... Hmmm...
Muggins: I'm right aren't I.
Tom : Well... I...
Muggins: See, us brilliant people are always right. that's what makes us brilliant!
Tom : OK. You've convinced me.
Muggins: You finally admit that I'm brilliant?
Tom : I'm not THAT gullible.
Muggins: If you hang around me long enough you could be just as brilliant as I am.
Tom : I lie awake nights worrying about just that. I meant about all that wasted space on the ceiling.
Muggins: Here, you hold this couch up to the ceiling and I'll stick it on with my ceiling tape.
Tom : Sounds like a good plan to me. but first let's hear from...
Hot Rod: Hi Mr. Tom.
Tom : Hello Hot Rod.
Hot Rod: Why is the couch on the ceiling?
Tom : Well, I was thinking about how crowded the studio was and then about all that wasted space on the ceiling. So I moved half of the furniture up there. Brilliant, isn't it?
Hot Rod: Sounds like the kind of half-brained scheme Mr. Muggins would cook up!
Tom : If that's the way you're going to be, I can get a better grade of insults from Angela and Robbie. Goodbye!
Hot Rod: Boy oh boy, you can't even tell the truth around here without somebody jumpin' on you.
Hot Rod: Hey! Get off me!
Muggins: Oh, hello Hot Rod. I hope I didn't hurt you.
Hot Rod: No, you just scared me right out of my britches!
Muggins: Well, you better put them on again before Bill sees you.
Hot Rod: Either you shortened my legs when you fell on me or my britches grew.
Muggins: That's odd. Mine got awfully short. Look, you can see my knees.
Hot Rod: Is that what those are. I thought they were two volley balls on stwings.
Muggins: Listen here, I can get a better grade of insults from Angela and Robbie, only they're busy right now.
Hot Rod: Then my insults will just have to do, won't they?
Muggins; Yur, I guess so. What else you got?
Hot Rod: How 'bout, is that yer nose or did you just come back from steering a ship?
Muggins: How did you know?
Hot Rod: Well, it's in the middle of yer face. It has to be yer nose.
Muggins: No, no. I mean how did you know that I used to work on a tow boat?
Hot Rod: What did you do, stick your head in the water to steer?
Muggins: Don't re-doc-u-lis. You can't stick your head into ice?
Hot Rod: You sailed on ice?
Muggins: Yur. We went at a pretty good clip.
Hot Rod: What eggzackly was yer job, Mr. Muggins?
Muggins: I had to hitch up the sleds that we towed.
Hot Rod: Now wait a minute! You pulled a sled with a towboat?
Muggins: I wish you would pay attention. I didn't say anything about a boat. I had a snow-goat when I was in Alaska. We pulled sleds for the eskimos. Made a pretty penny too?
Hot Rod: What did you do with it?
Muggins: With the penny? I used it to pay my brain tax. They base it on your IQ you know.
Hot Rod: No. I mean what did you do with the goat.
Muggins: Well, the last winter I was there, times got hard out on the tundra. Things were so bad I was reduced to eating rocks. I mean, I didn't have a choice, now did I?
Hot Rod: You didn't?
Muggins: Yur, I had to trade old Elsie Belle to an eskimo for a rock... to keep me from starving or worse.
Hot Rod: What could be worse than starving.
Muggins: Oh, let's see... Making panacakes over an open fire is pretty bad!
Hot Rod: You were reduced to that, were you?
Muggins: It was the same winter, just before I had to sell off poor Elsie Belle. I had a hundred pounds of pancake mix and a couple gallons of maple syrup and I had heard you could fry panacakes on a hot rock.
Hot Rod: So you made your pancakes on a heated rock?
Muggins: Yur, I heated the rock in the frying pan over the camp stove.
Hot Rod: Now that takes a lot of brains.
Muggins: Yur, that's why my brain tax is so high!
Hot Rod: A penny is hardly a high tax.
Muggins: How much brain tax do you pay?
Hot Rod: I don't pay any, of course! Neither does anyone else I know.
Muggins: See then, my brain tax is much higher!
Hot Rod: Well, how did you make pancakes after you sold the goat and couldn't get any more milk?
Muggins: Don't be silly. You can't get milk from a billy goat.
Hot Rod: Elsie Belle was a billy goat?
Hot Rod: Well, (This is exasperating, folks!) why did you call him Elsie Belle?
Muggins: So the eskimo wouldn't know he was a billy goat?
Hot Rod: The eskimo wanted goat's milk only he didn'y know Elsie Belle was a billy goat?
Hot Rod: What happened when he found out?
Muggins: Let me put it this way, if you hear an eskimo pulling a goat knock on the door, tell him you never heard of me and that you haven't seen me in eight years.
Hot Rod: OK, I'll be sure to tell him that?
Muggins: Why? Is he here?
Hot Rod: No. No. I mean if he comes.
Muggins: Do you know something your not telling me?
Hot Rod: Angela and Robbie are free now. They could tell you better.
Muggins: Oh, I'll go ask them. Hey Angela! Robbie! Wait up!
Tom : Where is Muggins going in such a hurry?
Hot Rod: It's a long story. I'll tell you while you play this wecord.
Tom : Let's see here...
Hot Rod: And I never did find out why he fell out of the sky.
Tom : The ceiling. He fell from the ceiling.
Hot Rod: I'm sorry I asked.
Tom : Let me explain...
EFFECTS: (Streetcar enters)
Cooper : Yuk zee mush!
Tom : Hello Cooper.
Hot Rod: Hi Mr. Cooper.
Cooper : Is you again! I tell-it you, stay off dem tracks.
Hot Rod: Awww. You gwown-ups don't want me ta have any fun.
Cooper : Last time you play on-it track you throw turnout. I end up in Katmandu.
Hot Rod: That sounds like fun!
Cooper : You try push-it stritcara up mountain!
Hot Rod: Yer just a old fuddy-duddy.
Cooper : You be little brat!
Tom : I'll tell you what Hot Rod, just for today you can go down in the sub basement and play in the furnace.
Hot Rod: Oh goodie! That sounds like fun. Byeeee.
Tom : So Cooper, what's new with you?
Cooper : I got to make big trip.
Tom : You mean to tow your streetcar back from Katmandu?
Cooper : Don't you be smart guy!
Tom : All right, all right. What kind of big trip?
Cooper : I got go by artic circle, pick up eskimo.
Tom : I didn't realize that the streetcar was the prefered mode of travel for an eskimo. What happened to his dogsled.
Cooper : He say his goat get tired pull-it sled so he call-it for stritcara.
Tom : So you have to go to the arctic circle with your streetcar to pick up an eskimo with a goat. Where does this eskimo need to go?
Cooper : He come-it here.
Tom : Here? You mean to Texas? No wonder the goat can't pull the sled.
Cooper : No, no. I mean here, by radio station.
Tom : You mean you're going to bring this eskimo to Yesterday USA?
Cooper : Sure. And he buy-it ticket for goat.
Tom : How does an eskimo even know about Yesterday USA?
Cooper : By satellite dish. He say he hear-it his old friend, Muggins.
Tom : Really.
Muggins: Oh, oh. I think I better leave. Cooper, when are you going to the South Pole?
Cooper : South Pole? Vhat make you tink I vant go by-it South pole. You tink it not bad enough I got go by Varsaw, Dallas and Pittsborgh? And now I got go by Alaska. Vhy you tink I vant go by South Pole?
Muggins: I'll buy a ticket.
Cooper : Oh, is different. Round trip or vun vay?
Muggins: One way.
Cooper : I got charge you extra 'cause I come-it back empty.
Muggins: How much?
Cooper : Vun goat.
Muggins: You got it. C'mon Billy.
Cooper : I remember-it goat milk from old country. Ho boy!
Muggins: Oh, oh. Uh, c'mon Ernestine.
Cooper : I see you later, kid.
EFFECTS: (Streetcar leaves)