Working Script for Rabbit Trax Comedy Radio Show #33

Title - The Gas Station

by Thomas H, Hunter - 19 MAR 93

Sam : Hello, Bo. What's this then?

Tom : What's what, Sam?

Sam : The grease rack?

Tom : Oh, I hadn't noticed that grease rack. I don't know what it's for.

Sam : Well, maybe we can figger it out.

Tom : Maybe Bill is going to grease the turntables.

Sam : Or maybe Ruth is going to deep fry some potatoes.

EFFECTS: (Rattle oil cans)

Tom : In Quaker State forty weight?

Sam : I hear Bill likes greasy food.

Tom : I hear Bill just got OUT of the hospital.

Sam : Maybe it's for polishing shoes.

Tom : A grease rack?

Sam : I got it, Bo. Bill can stand on it and raise it real high to fix a broken satellite.

Tom : Possibly. But I'll bet it's to replace the bulbs in the ceiling lights.

Sam : Then what are these barrels of grease for, Bo?

Tom : Oh, I forgot about those. Maybe he's opening a doughnut shop. The rack is to raise the dough and the grease is to deep-fry the doughnuts.

Sam : I don't think so, Bo.

Tom : Well, Bill is always trying to raise dough!

Sam : And he's usually boiling in his own oil.

Tom : What?

Sam : I gotta go. Let me know when you find out what it's for. See ya, Bo.

Muggins: Hoi!

Tom : Hello Muggins. I didn't see you over there.

Muggins: What are you doing with that air compressor?

Tom : What air compressor?

Muggins: That one.

Tom : Oh! I didn't see the air compressor.

Muggins: You're sitting on it.

Tom : Well, I must not have looked down. I wonder what it's here for?

Muggins: Don't you know?

Tom : No. Do you?

Muggins: No, I don't know. Is it to run the turntables?

Tom : Bill bought electric turntables... oh... months ago.

Muggins: Maybe it's to pump air to the center of the Earth.

Tom : Forget about the center of the Earth already. Anyway, Bill made you two fill up that hole last week.

Muggins: I know. He's going to use it to blow up balloons.

Tom : No. Bill has dynamite for that.

Muggins: Well, what's it for then?

Tom : Maybe it's for... polishing shoes.

Muggins: How can it do that?

Tom : Take your shoes off.

EFFECTS: (Lions roaring)

Muggins: OK, they're off.

Tom : Put these on, quick!

EFFECTS: (Roaring fades quickly)

Muggins: What were those?

Tom : Silencers for your loud socks.

Muggins: I didn't come here to be insulted!

Tom : Where do you usually go to be insulted?

Muggins: I go vist Jack Ke... Hey. What do you mean by that?

Tom : So you don't know what this air compressor is for.

Muggins: No. I don't know what it's for.

Tom : Then why did you bring it in here?

Muggins: Um... Uh... I didn't bring it in here. You were sitting on it.

Tom : Well. you found it. What did you find it for?

Muggins: Oh yur. I did find it, didn't I. Well, I don't know. Could I lose it again?

Tom : Throw your coat over it.

EFFECTS: (Air compressor)

Tom : Did you have to wear a loud shirt too?

Muggins: Listen here...

Tom : I can't hear you over your shirt!

Muggins: Never mind. I'm leaving.

Hot Rod: Hello Mr. Tom. How come that gas pump is there?

Tom : Oh, hello Hot Rod. I don't know what the gas pump is for. I don't know what the air compressor is for and I don't know what the grease rack is for.

Hot Rod: I know what it's for. I just wondered why it's sitting here and not in fwont of my gas station.

Tom : Your what?

Hot Rod: My gas station. You know, where you fix caws and fill them with gas.

Tom : Yes, I know what a gas station is. But what are you talking about?

Hot Rod: You see that sign that says, "Stop hewe and get gas"?

Tom : Yes. Isn't that left over from Bill's last barbeque?

Hot Rod: Yeah, it is. But I got the idea of using it for a gas station.

Tom : And what are you going to call it?

Hot Rod: "People's Natural Gas".

Tom : No. That's from Bill's barbeque. You have to think of a different name.

Hot Rod: How 'bout, "Hot Wod Gas"?

Tom : That's not bad. How about, "Gas up your hot rod with Hot Rod"?

Hot Rod: I don't get it.

Tom : "Fill 'er up at our down-home prices".

Hot Rod: How 'bout, "Belt up or I'll kick your shin"?

Tom : "Our stop will make you go!" "Get our gas and pass."

EFFECTS: (Clunk)

Tom : Ow! What did you kick me in the shin for.

Hot Rod: I wanna hear a wecord.

Tom : What 'wecord'.

EFFECTS: (Clunk)

Tom : Ow!

Hot Rod: Stop talkin' funny!

Tom : Well, how do I know what you want to hear?

Hot Rod: This! This wight here!

Tom : I thought that was a pizza from Bill's last barbeque.

Hot Rod: It's a 78 RPM wecord. Will you just pway it.

Tom : Let's see it. Oh, this is an old goodie. Cousin Snorkel playing a tribute to Crazy Otto.

EFFECTS: (Streetcar Enters)

Cooper : I vant-it grease job.

Tom : A grease job? At a radio staion? Oh, you mean the gas station. You'll have to speak to Hot Rod.

Cooper : That kid? I just chase him off from tracks. Hey you, I vant-it grease job?

Hot Rod: Well, you'll have to pull onto the grease rack.

Cooper : All right.

EFFECTS: (Streetcar Enters)

Hot Rod: That's far enough! That's far enough!

Cooper : Hey, I bring-it you record.

Tom : Lee Alan, "Set Me Free". Where did you get this?

Cooper : I get it by Denny Nichols.

Tom : Denny Nichols?

Cooper : Sure. He don't have token for ride into town so he give-it me record.

Tom : (Read from record jacket) And Denny wrote 1964 on here. Let's see what it sounds like.

EFFECTS: (Lions growling & Comical engine)

Hot Rod: What's that noise Mr. tom?

Tom : It's Muggins sneaking in with his coat in one hand and his shoes in the other.

Hot Rod: How do you know it's Mr. Muggins.

Tom : Because nobody else wears such loud socks and shirt.

Hot Rod: Oh. Why does he have those globs of color on them.

Tom : That's his camofloudge suit. he thinks those irregular splotches of color make him blend into the background.

Hot Rod: Does it work?

Tom : Only if he's attended a coronation at the local engine house. Otherwise royal purple and fire engine red don't really blend in.

Hot Rod: I see what you mean. Hey! Where'd he go? Oh, there he is. He disappeared for a second.

Tom : I stand corrected. There are rare occasions when royal purple and fire engine red make good camofloudge. He just walked in front of Bill!

Muggins: Hoi.

Tom : Hello Muggins.

Muggins: I'll bet you didn't see me over there. Hey, why are you covering your eyes.

Tom : Have you ever heard of "snow blindness"?

Muggins: Oh, is that what it is. I'll get my snow shovel.

Tom : Just put your coat back on.

EFFECTS: (Comical engine stops)

Muggins: There. Is that better? Did you see me Hot Rod?... Hot Rod!

Tom : I think he's passed out.

Muggins: My socks aren't that bright. Are they?

Tom : I don't think it's the color. It's the smell! put your shoes back on. (Coughs)

EFFECTS: (Lion stops)

Tom : Thank you! To what do we owe this surprise visit?

Muggins: I came in case Hot Rod needed help greasing Cooper's streetcar.

Hot Rod: It's alweady done. Hey Mr. Cooper! Your stweetcar is done.

Cooper : You grease it good?

Hot Rod: I gweased all the wheels.

Cooper : Vhat you mean you grease-it vheels. You supposed to grease-it axles. How I get to Poland with grease on-it vheels?

Hot Rod: I filled it up with gasoline too. You ought to have plenty to get to Poland. It took about eight hundred gallons.

Cooper : Stritcara be electric! You don't put gasoline. Vhat you mean?

Hot Rod: Oh, oh. I think I gotta scwam!

Cooper : Hey you, come back here. You fill-it stritcara vith gasoline. The seats, they floating. Vhere everybody going to sit vithout dey drown? Scotora Mull! Keesno brovniak! Bugars!