Working Script for Rabbit Trax Comedy Radio Show #32

Title - The Center Of The Earth Revisited

by Thomas H. Hunter - 19 FEB 93

Sam : Listen, Bo. Are you really going to send to sandwiches down to Muggins and Hot Rod?

Tom : Sure I am, Sam.

Sam : How you gonna get them there?

Tom : Simple, I called Cooper to deliver them.

EFFECTS: (Streetcar enters)

Tom : Here he comes now..... I see you got my message Cooper.

Cooper : Vhat message? Vhat you talk?

Tom : I left a message with the dispatcher for you to pick up this crate of peanut butter and Jello sandwiches and deliver them to Muggins at the center of the Earth.

Cooper : Oh, no. I not go dere again.

Tom : What do you mean, again?

Cooper : I just come from dere.

Tom : I don't understand. What ever possessed you to take your streetcar to the center of the Earth?

Cooper : I got pick up dese two guys. Dey be vait-it by tracks.

Tom : What two guys?

Muggins: Hoi! Did I hear someone say, "peanut butter and Jello sandwiches"?

Hot Rod: Not so fast Mr. Muggins. I smell one with my name on it.

Muggins: How do you smell your name, Hot Rod?

Hot Rod: H-O-T-R-O-D. How do you smell yours.

Muggins: I don't think I can smell anything until I wash my feet.

Hot Rod: Is that what that was down there? I though we had struck a sulphur dioxide well!

Tom : What are you two doing here? I thought you were all settled in at the center of the Earth.

Hot Rod: We got lonely.

Muggins: Yur. We missed our peanut and Jello sandwiches.

Hot Rod: Yeah. With mustard?

Muggins: You don't put mustard on peanut butter and Jello.

Hot Rod: You don't?

Muggins: No, of course not. Never on peanut butter and Jello... Here, try this catsup.

Tom : Do you mean you abandoned your luxury hotel at the center of the Earth?

Muggins: No, we didn't upended it, we left the Hotel detective there to guard it.

Hot Rod: Yeah, he's the best detecive in the whole word.

Tom : Seeing that you left him at the center of the Earth, he's probably the only detective in the world. And who is this great detective? Anyone I know?

Hot Rod: It's Leonard.

Tom : Leonard!

Muggins: Yur. It was my idea.

Tom : That figures.

Muggins: See, with Leonard we didn't have to leave any lights on when we left the center of the Earth and we'll save enough money on the electric bill to pay his sandwiches.

Tom : To pay his what?

Muggins: To pay his salary! What's the matter with you, can't you understand sandwich English?

Tom : I understand that you must be hungry.

Muggins: I sandwichley am!

Tom : Cooper, here's a token. Can I come with you?

Cooper : Sure, guy. Let's go.

EFFECTS: (Streetcar Leaves)

Sam : Hello Bo. What's all this then?

Tom : All what? What are you talking about Sam?

Sam : This hole in the ground. The other day it just had a microphone wire running into it. Now it looks like the boiler room at Sears and Roebuck with all those pipes and cables running down there!

Tom : Let me see. Hmmm, you're right Sam. It does look rather like a plumber's nightmare. What is all that stuff?

Sam : Well, this here's a 208 volt, 3 phase electric cable. That's a telephone cable big enough for a small town. And there's cable tv and a couple microphone wires.

Tom : If I'm not mistaken, this looks like an air hose and these are hot and cold water. What's it say on that pipe. Be careful, it's hot!

Sam : Must be a steam pipe... Nope, it says "soup"! What about that one on your side. It looks like one of those old pneumatic mail pipes and I just felt it shake like something heavy was being forced through it.

Tom : Wait 'till I bend my head around here... I think it says "sandwiches".

Sam : What in Carnation is goin' on here. Is some developer runnning all the utilities for a new town right through our studio?

Tom : I couldn't imagine Sam. Look, there's a big valve on the sandwich pipe. Climb over here and help me shut it off. We'll see if anyone shows up to fix it.

Sam : That's a tight one, Bo.

Tom : It sure is... (grunts) There, we got it! Let's listen to Andy Griffith while we wait to see what happens.

Sam : This here sandwich pipe is starting to bulge behind that valve that we shut off. Somethin's bound to happen soon.

EFFECTS: (Phone rings) (Pickup handset)

Tom : Hello.

EFFECTS: (Muggins and Hot Rod through filter mic)

Muggins: Where are my sandwiches?

Tom : I beg your pardon.

Muggins: I haven't had a sandwich in three minutes. Where are my sandwiches?

Hot Rod: Mr. Muggins, look! The scanner shows the pipe is blocked right at valve 24B. Where is that?

Muggins: Let's look at the drawings. (rattles paper) That's the one in the Yesterday USA studio. Check the red valve on the green pipe up there and see if some lamebrain shut if off!

Tom : Muggins, what are you talking about? Where are you calling from?

Muggins: I'm calling from the center of the Earth, of course. And someone's been interfering with our life support and essential services. My sandwiches have been cut off!

Tom : Dear me, that sounds serious. What are you doing at the center of the Earth.

Muggins: I came down to rescue Hot Rod but it's kind of nice down here and I decided to stay.

Tom : Nice? With everything you have running down there, you should be in the lap of luxury!

Muggins: Oh, no. We're really roughing it. The hotel isn't carpeted yet and room service in this hole is the pits!

Tom : What's wrong with room service?

Muggins: They don't have any sandwiches! That's what I'm calling about.

Tom : You mean you want me to call room service and order you some Sandwiches?

Muggins: Don't be re-doc-u-lis. I want you to check the red valve on the green pipe and see if some dumbell turned it off!

Tom : I'm in the middle of a radio show right now.

Muggins: I'd come up there and do it myself if the ladder weren't so long. Look, just put on a record and check that valve, would you?

Tom : OK, Muggins. Do you want to hold or shall I call you back?

Muggins: I better hold. I have an unlisted number. And besides, I'm getting weak with hunger.

Tom : Right. Well, here's...

Tom : Hello down there! We checked the valve on your sandwhich pipe.

EFFECTS: (Muggins and Hot Rod through filter mic)

Muggins: Well? What about it?

Tom : It's still there. We checked the one on the soup pipe too, didn't we Sam?

Sam : (Snickers) Oh, yeah.

Hot Rod: Hey!

Muggins: What's the matter Hot Rod?

Hot Rod: My soup is cut off! Are you'ns guys foolin' around up there?

Tom : Hot Rod, you can't live at the center of the Earth forever. You have to come up sometime.

Hot Rod: Not as long as I have soup I don't. But some bugar shut it off!

Muggins: Oh, bugars! Someone is using bad language!

Hot Rod: I can say "soup" if I want to.

Muggins: You said "bugars"!

Hot Rod: Oh, "soup"! Someone is using bad language!

Muggins: Hot Rod, if I've told you once, I've told you one time that you shouldn't use words like "soup" at your age.

Hot Rod: I'll say "soup" if I want to. Soup! Soup, soup, soup!

Muggins: Next thing you know you'll be using words like "sandwich" and I hope I'll never see the day when you would say something like "beef stroganoff"!

Tom : Muggins! You do realize we're on the radio.

Muggins: Oh, hello. I didn't know you were up there. I hope Hot Rod didn't say anything out of place. I'll have to go wash his mouth out with beef stroganoff.

Tom : When are you two coming back up?

Muggins: Coming back up where?

Tom : Coming back to the surface of the earth.

Muggins: As soon as you let down a rope ladder.

Tom : How long a ladder do I need to let down?

Muggins: Oh, I don't know... about two thousand miles.

Tom : I have a better idea.

Muggins: What's that?

Tom : Stay down there.

Muggins: Not without my sandwiches!

Tom : I'll *send* you some sandwiches.

Muggins: OK, I'll be hungry.

Tom : Put Hot Rod back on.

Hot Rod: Hello.

Tom : Hot Rod, I hear you've been using bad language.

Hot Rod: Who, the beef stroganoff, told you that?

Tom : A little bird.

Hot Rod: Well, catch that bird and put it on Muggins' sandwich.

Muggins: Oh, yum! I hope it's a turkey. I like whole turkey sandwiches.

Tom : I think I have a pair of turkeys at the other end of this phone.

Muggins: Well, throw a net over that phone and warm up the oven.

Tom : Speaking of ovens, isn't it hot at the center of the Earth?

Hot Rod: No, man. It's real cool down here.

Muggins: Yur. In fact I'm freezing my knees off. Get my longjohns out of the record library and send them down with the sandwiches, will you.

Tom : What would your longjohns be doing in the record library.

Muggins: They're filed under "L".

Tom : "L" for longjohns?

Muggins; No, "L" for "idiot".

Tom : Why would you file your longjohns under "L" for "idiot".

Muggins: That's so everyone will know they're mine. Now will you hurry up and send them down. I have icicles on my shins.

Tom : I have a better idea. I'll hold the phone up to the fireplace.

Muggins: Oh, that's much better. I'll turn on the speakerphone so you can get warm too Hot Rod.

Hot Rod: Oooh, yeah, that's nice.

Tom : While Hot Rod and Muggins are warming themselves around the phone, let's hear from...