Working Script for Rabbit Trax Comedy Radio Show #31

Title - The Center Of The Earth

by Thomas H. Hunter

Sam : Hello, Bo. What's all this about?

Tom : Later in the show we're going to have Peter Sellers singing George Gershwin.

Sam : Is that why this wire runs into that hole in the ground?

Tom : What are you talking about? What wire?

Sam : This one right here, Bo. It runs down into that hole.

Tom : That's odd. This is a microphone cable. Maybe one of the rabbits took a microphone into her burrow for some reason.

Sam : Must be a deep burrow. Look, that big reel is still unwinding.

Tom : Well here, let's turn that microphone on and listen. Maybe we can find out what it is.

EFFECTS: (Digging)

Tom : What is it Sam?

Sam : Don't ask me Bo. I'm just the janitor.

Tom : If you're the janitor then it should be your job to clean up the pile of dirt around that hole. Bill doesn't want people tracking it into the Yesterday USA canteen.

Sam : All right, all right. Now what's this about Peter Gershwin.

Tom : No Sam. It's Peter Sellers, the famous comedian. After years of work and research I've finally located a copy of a very rare record - "Peter Sellers Sings George Gershwin" and I'm going to play it later in the show.

Sam : So what're ya gonna play now? I need something to listen to while I clean up this dirt.

Tom : It's been a long time since we've heard from Tom Lehrer. I thought we'd listen to his 1959 recording of "Clementine".

Sam : Sounds good to me Bo.

Muggins: Hoi!

Tom : Hello Muggins.

Muggins: Oh, hello. I didn't see you over...

EFFECTS: (Muggins falls)

Muggins: Oooowwwoooo! Who left the hose stretched across the floor?

Tom : That's a microphone wire and Sam and I were trying to figure out what it's for.

Muggins; How is old Vinegar Sam?

Tom : Right now he's kind of peeved about having to clean up the dirt from around that hole.

Muggins: Oh, yur. Well I can see cleaning up the dirt, but why did Bill make him wax the ground?

Tom : Bill likes this studio to be neat as a pin. (Coughs)

Muggins: I can see that by looking around. But how come this hose is running down the hole?

Tom : It's not a hose. It's a microphone wire.

Muggins: Well, you talk in one end don't you? And the sound comes out the other end doesn't it?

Tom : In a simplistic manner of speaking, yes.

Muggins: I'm a very simplastic spooker, spoker, sneaker. You have me all confused with those big words. What was I tweaking aboot?

Tom : Hosing.

Muggins: Oh, yur. We used to do that when I was a kid. You could talk into one end and listen at the other. I never could get it to work around corners though. I remember you had to keep the hose real tight.

Tom : Did you ever use dixie cups?

Muggins: Yur. I used to fill them with peanut butter and whipped cream and eat them.

Tom : You ate the dixie cup along with the peanut butter and whipped cream?

Muggins: Don't be re-doc-u-lis! That would be a waste of good peanut butter and whipped cream. I put the peanut butter and whipped cream in the icebox to save it. Then I ate the empty dixie cups.

Tom : Wasn't that gross?

Muggins: I couldn't eat that many. I usually got sick after three of four.

Tom : I'm surprised you could eat that many as a child!

Muggins: I was hungry for my age. I can eat a dozen or more now.

Tom : Without getting sick.

Muggins: No, I still get sick. I'm just saying I can eat a dozen or more now.

Tom : What would you eat a dozen dixie cups for:

Muggins: Usually for breakfast. But sometimes for an early lunch.

Tom : Muggins! I think I'm going to be sick.

Muggins: Here, eat a handful of dirt. That's what I used to do. It will calm your stomach. Either that or get the sick over with faster.

Tom : Here, where did you get that dirt?

Muggins: I got it from the pile around this hole in the ground.

Tom : Wait a minute! I know Sam had the ground around that hole cleaned up and waxed just a few miniutes ago. Where did all that dirt come from.

Muggins: I dunno. maybe I was sick.

Tom : Muggins! Go talk to Denny Nichols or something. He likes "sick" jokes.

Muggins: Why is this here hose running down that hole?

Tom : It's not a hose! It's a microphone wire. Somebody must have a microphone down there.

Muggins: Well, don't stand there with your teeth in your mouth! Turn it on and let's hear it.

EFFECTS: (Digging)

Tom : What does that sound like to you?

Muggins: It sounds like someone eating a spaghetti sandwich.

Tom : Don't tell me you eat spaghetti sandwiches too.

Muggins: Yur.

Tom : Wouldn't they make more of a squishy sound?

Muggins: No. I don't like cooked spaghetti sandwiches. I make mine with fresh spaghetti... right out of the box.

Tom : Don't you put anything else on your raw spaghetti sandwiches?

Muggins; I usually use some mayonnaise and tabasco stirred up with mashed potatoes and garlic.

Tom : What sauce!

Muggins: If you're going to talk to me like that, I'm leaving! Goodbye.

EFFECTS: (Muggins falls)

Muggins: Oooowwwoooo! Who left this hose stretched across the floor?

Tom : While I help untangle Muggins from this hose, let's listen to...

EFFECTS: (Digging)

EFFECTS: (Echo on Hot Rod only)

Hot Rod: Boy, this is hard work!..... Is anybody listening up there?..... Hello?

Muggins: Hoi! Is that a Hot Rod I hear?

Hot Rod: No silly! Um not a car, um a little kid.

Muggins: That's what I meant. You get me so constipated.

Hot Rod: Well stop eating those dixie cups!

Muggins: I can't help it if I'm a grooming idiot.

Hot Rod: You're a "blooming" idiot, you mean.

Muggins: Oh. That's awfully nice of you to say so. Hey! Where are you anyway?

Hot Rod: I'm at the center of the Earth.

Muggins: Oh... Are you allowed down there?

Hot Rod: Are you gonna come down and get me.

Muggins: Not me. I'm scared of heights!

Hot Rod: What's that have to do with coming to the center of the Earth?

Muggins: When I look in that hole it's an awful long way down. It makes me dizzy just looking down there. I think I'm going to be sick.

Hot Rod: Mr. Muggins, would you please do me a favor?

Muggins: Sure Hot Rod. What?

Hot Rod: Please don't stand over the hole!

Muggins: OK. I think I'll go have a spaghetti sandwich.

Hot Rod: Hello! Is anybodsy else up there?

Tom : I'm on the stage Hot Rod. Where are you?

Hot Rod: I'm at the center of the Earth.

Tom : That's nice.

Hot Rod: Whadaya mean? Don't you know how much trouble it was to dig this hole?

Tom : If you wanted to get away from Yesterday USA that badly, you could have used the door.

Hot Rod: I'm way down here below the ground! Don't you think that's amazing?

Tom : Oh, I don't know. Most people end up down there eventually. It's just that most folks wait until they die. What's it like down there?

Hot Rod: Just dirt and worms and cement.

Tom : Uh huh. Huh? What do you mean cement?

Hot Rod: I had to stop digging when I hit this cement I'm standing on.

Tom : There's no cement at the center of the Earth. Let me get my telescope and take a look down there.

EFFECTS: (End echo on Hot Rod)

Hot Rod: Hello!

Tom : Hot Rod, you're standing on the footer for this building! That's not the center of the Earth.

Hot Rod: Well, it's pwetty close. If I dig down any deeper I'll come out in Australia.

Tom : Be sure to send me a post card from Australia.

EFFECTS: (Echo on Hot Rod)

Hot Rod: I don't think they have post cards in the outback.

Tom : Send me a kangaroo then.

Hot Rod: OK. Um gonna dig 'till I find a kangawoo

Tom : Well, hop to it!

Hot Rod: This digging sure is hard work! I wish I had a peaner butter and...

EFFECTS: (Hot Rod is cut off abruptly)

Tom : Hello! Hot Rod! Come in Hot Rod.

Muggins: Hoi! What's going on here?

Tom : I was talking to Hot Rod at the center of the Earth and he got cut off!

Muggins: Well, it's dangerous down there. Anything could happen!

Tom : Don't talk like that Muggins. Muggins, what are you eating?

Muggins: A spaghetti sandwich. Why?

Tom : You have a piece of spaghetti hanging out of your mouth. Slurp that in.

Muggins: (Sluuuurp!... Sluuuurp!) Blimey! That's a long piece of spaghetti. (Sluuuurp!)

Tom : Just a minute. Let me see that. Muggins! How did you get Hot Rod's microphone cable on your sandwich. I think you bit it in half!

Muggins: I thought that was really tough spaghetti. I'll see you later. I have to claim down this hole.

Tom : Are you going to rescue Hot Rod.

Muggins: No. I'm going to finish this long piece of spaghetti. I can't let it go to waste!

Tom : While Muggins is eating that long piece of spaghetti, I have to read this commercial.


Tom : While Hot Rod's digging to Australia, I have to read this commercial.

Tom : I wonder what's keeping Cooper. I sent him to London to pick up the CD "Peter Sellers Sings George Gershwin".

EFFECTS: (Streetcar enters)

Tom : It's about time Cooper. What took you so long?

Cooper : I have-it trouble come from London.

Tom : How could you possibly have trouble coming from London in a streetcar?

Cooper : Da track was under vater.

Tom : Oh, come on, surely your streetcar can ford a little water on the track. Just so the electric pickup stays dry.

Cooper : Da trolley vire was under vater too.

Tom : That's some pretty deep water!

Cooper : Doggone right! It was under Atlantic Ocean.

Tom : Then how did you get here from London?

Cooper : I go long vay around. I come across Pacific.

Tom : No wonder you're late. Well, did you bring my record?

Cooper : Sure. I got it right here.

Tom : Oh, good. Did I give you enough English money?

Cooper : Just right. Another couple pounds and I vouldn't made it.

Tom : I don't understand. Why couldn't you have made it if I had given you a few pounds too much?

Cooper : "Cause track vould have sunk in-it Pacific Ocean too. Here, you play-it dis record. I got go find-it track crew and some boats.

EFFECTS: (Streetcar exits)

Tom : Just in time folks. Well, here he we go. Here is what you've been waiting for - "Peter Sellers Sings George Gershwin". Roll your tapes... NOW!