Sam : Hello, Bo. What's all this about?
Tom : Later in the show we're going to have Peter Sellers singing George Gershwin.
Sam : Is that why this wire runs into that hole in the ground?
Tom : What are you talking about? What wire?
Sam : This one right here, Bo. It runs down into that hole.
Tom : That's odd. This is a microphone cable. Maybe one of the rabbits took a microphone into her burrow for some reason.
Sam : Must be a deep burrow. Look, that big reel is still unwinding.
Tom : Well here, let's turn that microphone on and listen. Maybe we can find out what it is.
Tom : What is it Sam?
Sam : Don't ask me Bo. I'm just the janitor.
Tom : If you're the janitor then it should be your job to clean up the pile of dirt around that hole. Bill doesn't want people tracking it into the Yesterday USA canteen.
Sam : All right, all right. Now what's this about Peter Gershwin.
Tom : No Sam. It's Peter Sellers, the famous comedian. After years of work and research I've finally located a copy of a very rare record - "Peter Sellers Sings George Gershwin" and I'm going to play it later in the show.
Sam : So what're ya gonna play now? I need something to listen to while I clean up this dirt.
Tom : It's been a long time since we've heard from Tom Lehrer. I thought we'd listen to his 1959 recording of "Clementine".
Sam : Sounds good to me Bo.
Tom : Hello Muggins.
Muggins: Oh, hello. I didn't see you over...
EFFECTS: (Muggins falls)
Muggins: Oooowwwoooo! Who left the hose stretched across the floor?
Tom : That's a microphone wire and Sam and I were trying to figure out what it's for.
Muggins; How is old Vinegar Sam?
Tom : Right now he's kind of peeved about having to clean up the dirt from around that hole.
Muggins: Oh, yur. Well I can see cleaning up the dirt, but why did Bill make him wax the ground?
Tom : Bill likes this studio to be neat as a pin. (Coughs)
Muggins: I can see that by looking around. But how come this hose is running down the hole?
Tom : It's not a hose. It's a microphone wire.
Muggins: Well, you talk in one end don't you? And the sound comes out the other end doesn't it?
Tom : In a simplistic manner of speaking, yes.
Muggins: I'm a very simplastic spooker, spoker, sneaker. You have me all confused with those big words. What was I tweaking aboot?
Tom : Hosing.
Muggins: Oh, yur. We used to do that when I was a kid. You could talk into one end and listen at the other. I never could get it to work around corners though. I remember you had to keep the hose real tight.
Tom : Did you ever use dixie cups?
Muggins: Yur. I used to fill them with peanut butter and whipped cream and eat them.
Tom : You ate the dixie cup along with the peanut butter and whipped cream?
Muggins: Don't be re-doc-u-lis! That would be a waste of good peanut butter and whipped cream. I put the peanut butter and whipped cream in the icebox to save it. Then I ate the empty dixie cups.
Tom : Wasn't that gross?
Muggins: I couldn't eat that many. I usually got sick after three of four.
Tom : I'm surprised you could eat that many as a child!
Muggins: I was hungry for my age. I can eat a dozen or more now.
Tom : Without getting sick.
Muggins: No, I still get sick. I'm just saying I can eat a dozen or more now.
Tom : What would you eat a dozen dixie cups for:
Muggins: Usually for breakfast. But sometimes for an early lunch.
Tom : Muggins! I think I'm going to be sick.
Muggins: Here, eat a handful of dirt. That's what I used to do. It will calm your stomach. Either that or get the sick over with faster.
Tom : Here, where did you get that dirt?
Muggins: I got it from the pile around this hole in the ground.
Tom : Wait a minute! I know Sam had the ground around that hole cleaned up and waxed just a few miniutes ago. Where did all that dirt come from.
Muggins: I dunno. maybe I was sick.
Tom : Muggins! Go talk to Denny Nichols or something. He likes "sick" jokes.
Muggins: Why is this here hose running down that hole?
Tom : It's not a hose! It's a microphone wire. Somebody must have a microphone down there.
Muggins: Well, don't stand there with your teeth in your mouth! Turn it on and let's hear it.
Tom : What does that sound like to you?
Muggins: It sounds like someone eating a spaghetti sandwich.
Tom : Don't tell me you eat spaghetti sandwiches too.
Tom : Wouldn't they make more of a squishy sound?
Muggins: No. I don't like cooked spaghetti sandwiches. I make mine with fresh spaghetti... right out of the box.
Tom : Don't you put anything else on your raw spaghetti sandwiches?
Muggins; I usually use some mayonnaise and tabasco stirred up with mashed potatoes and garlic.
Tom : What sauce!
Muggins: If you're going to talk to me like that, I'm leaving! Goodbye.
EFFECTS: (Muggins falls)
Muggins: Oooowwwoooo! Who left this hose stretched across the floor?
Tom : While I help untangle Muggins from this hose, let's listen to...
EFFECTS: (Echo on Hot Rod only)
Hot Rod: Boy, this is hard work!..... Is anybody listening up there?..... Hello?
Muggins: Hoi! Is that a Hot Rod I hear?
Hot Rod: No silly! Um not a car, um a little kid.
Muggins: That's what I meant. You get me so constipated.
Hot Rod: Well stop eating those dixie cups!
Muggins: I can't help it if I'm a grooming idiot.
Hot Rod: You're a "blooming" idiot, you mean.
Muggins: Oh. That's awfully nice of you to say so. Hey! Where are you anyway?
Hot Rod: I'm at the center of the Earth.
Muggins: Oh... Are you allowed down there?
Hot Rod: Are you gonna come down and get me.
Muggins: Not me. I'm scared of heights!
Hot Rod: What's that have to do with coming to the center of the Earth?
Muggins: When I look in that hole it's an awful long way down. It makes me dizzy just looking down there. I think I'm going to be sick.
Hot Rod: Mr. Muggins, would you please do me a favor?
Muggins: Sure Hot Rod. What?
Hot Rod: Please don't stand over the hole!
Muggins: OK. I think I'll go have a spaghetti sandwich.
Hot Rod: Hello! Is anybodsy else up there?
Tom : I'm on the stage Hot Rod. Where are you?
Hot Rod: I'm at the center of the Earth.
Tom : That's nice.
Hot Rod: Whadaya mean? Don't you know how much trouble it was to dig this hole?
Tom : If you wanted to get away from Yesterday USA that badly, you could have used the door.
Hot Rod: I'm way down here below the ground! Don't you think that's amazing?
Tom : Oh, I don't know. Most people end up down there eventually. It's just that most folks wait until they die. What's it like down there?
Hot Rod: Just dirt and worms and cement.
Tom : Uh huh. Huh? What do you mean cement?
Hot Rod: I had to stop digging when I hit this cement I'm standing on.
Tom : There's no cement at the center of the Earth. Let me get my telescope and take a look down there.
EFFECTS: (End echo on Hot Rod)
Hot Rod: Hello!
Tom : Hot Rod, you're standing on the footer for this building! That's not the center of the Earth.
Hot Rod: Well, it's pwetty close. If I dig down any deeper I'll come out in Australia.
Tom : Be sure to send me a post card from Australia.
EFFECTS: (Echo on Hot Rod)
Hot Rod: I don't think they have post cards in the outback.
Tom : Send me a kangaroo then.
Hot Rod: OK. Um gonna dig 'till I find a kangawoo
Tom : Well, hop to it!
Hot Rod: This digging sure is hard work! I wish I had a peaner butter and...
EFFECTS: (Hot Rod is cut off abruptly)
Tom : Hello! Hot Rod! Come in Hot Rod.
Muggins: Hoi! What's going on here?
Tom : I was talking to Hot Rod at the center of the Earth and he got cut off!
Muggins: Well, it's dangerous down there. Anything could happen!
Tom : Don't talk like that Muggins. Muggins, what are you eating?
Muggins: A spaghetti sandwich. Why?
Tom : You have a piece of spaghetti hanging out of your mouth. Slurp that in.
Muggins: (Sluuuurp!... Sluuuurp!) Blimey! That's a long piece of spaghetti. (Sluuuurp!)
Tom : Just a minute. Let me see that. Muggins! How did you get Hot Rod's microphone cable on your sandwich. I think you bit it in half!
Muggins: I thought that was really tough spaghetti. I'll see you later. I have to claim down this hole.
Tom : Are you going to rescue Hot Rod.
Muggins: No. I'm going to finish this long piece of spaghetti. I can't let it go to waste!
Tom : While Muggins is eating that long piece of spaghetti, I have to read this commercial.
Tom : While Hot Rod's digging to Australia, I have to read this commercial.
Tom : I wonder what's keeping Cooper. I sent him to London to pick up the CD "Peter Sellers Sings George Gershwin".
EFFECTS: (Streetcar enters)
Tom : It's about time Cooper. What took you so long?
Cooper : I have-it trouble come from London.
Tom : How could you possibly have trouble coming from London in a streetcar?
Cooper : Da track was under vater.
Tom : Oh, come on, surely your streetcar can ford a little water on the track. Just so the electric pickup stays dry.
Cooper : Da trolley vire was under vater too.
Tom : That's some pretty deep water!
Cooper : Doggone right! It was under Atlantic Ocean.
Tom : Then how did you get here from London?
Cooper : I go long vay around. I come across Pacific.
Tom : No wonder you're late. Well, did you bring my record?
Cooper : Sure. I got it right here.
Tom : Oh, good. Did I give you enough English money?
Cooper : Just right. Another couple pounds and I vouldn't made it.
Tom : I don't understand. Why couldn't you have made it if I had given you a few pounds too much?
Cooper : "Cause track vould have sunk in-it Pacific Ocean too. Here, you play-it dis record. I got go find-it track crew and some boats.
EFFECTS: (Streetcar exits)
Tom : Just in time folks. Well, here he we go. Here is what you've been waiting for - "Peter Sellers Sings George Gershwin". Roll your tapes... NOW!