Working Script for Rabbit Trax Comedy Radio Show #30

Title - Collectibles

by Thomas H. Hunter - 3 JAN 83

Sam : Hello, Bo.

Tom : Hello Sam. What's new?

Sam : Have you seen my socks?

Tom : Aren't they on yout feet?

Sam : Not those socks, Bo. I mean my sock collection.

Tom : Your sock collection? You collect socks?

Sam : It's my hobby. Some people collect coins. Some people collect stamps. Some people collect beer cans. I collect socks.

Tom : Socks?

Sam : S-O-C-K-S.

Tom : Hablo usted el espanol tambien?

Sam : Watch it, Bo! This is a family station.

Tom : Listen Sam. I've never heard of anyone collecting socks.

Sam : It's a perfectly good hobby. Who are you to turn up your nose at it?

Tom : I wasn't turning up my nose at your hobby.

Sam : Then what ARE you wrinkling your nose about?

Tom : It's not your hobby Sam, it's your profession! After all, you are the janitor. And you're welcome to stop to chat. I just wish you would do it before you empty the garbage, not while you're carrying the can!

Sam : That's not a garbage can, Bo.

Tom : It looks like a garbage can. It smells like a garbage can. What is it then?

Sam : Let's see here.

EFFECTS: (Garbage can lid)

Tom : Oh, wow, Sam! Do you have to open that in here?

Sam : Hey, that's it, Bo. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Tom : Thanks for what?

Sam : You found my sock collection. Well, I have to go. If I hurry I can just make it to the "collectors convention".

EFFECTS: (Garbage can lid)

Tom : You mean you're going to a convention to display your sock collection?

Sam : No. I have a contract to pick up the garbage. After all, I am a janitor. See ya later, Bo.

Muggins: Hoi! Have you seen my sandwiches?

Tom : Muggins, do you mean you've lost your sandwiches?

Muggins: No. I didn't lose my sandwiches. Have you seen them?

Tom : Are you asking me if I've seen the sandwiches that you didn't lose?

Muggins: Don't be re-doc-u-lis! I just want to know if you've seen my sandwich collection.

Tom : Oh, You're trying to tell me you collect sandwiches.

Muggins: Yur. It's a fascinating hobby.

Tom : It sounds positively flabbergasting.

Muggins: That's what I meant to say.

Tom : What kind of sandwiches do you collect?

Muggins: All kinds. I'm not particular.

Tom : Do you have a corned beef on rye?

Muggins: What's corny beef?

Tom : Corned beef, Muggins. It's beef that's cured with rock salt.

Muggins: No, I don't have any salt sandwiches...

Tom : That's not what I meant. Do you have any....

Muggins: I don't have any rock sandwiches either. I think a have a box full of pepperoni rolls.

Tom : OK, let's see your pepperoni rolls.

EFFECTS: (Suitcase opening)

Muggins: This one is from Christmas 1953. Santa Claus ate the glass of milk and the pheasant under glass and left this roll.

Tom : How about this green one?

Muggins: This one?

Tom : Yes. That looks gross.

Muggins: No. I don't have that many. I only ordered a dozen of the green ones. They're from Ireland. They were special for St. Patrick's day, 1982.

Tom : And this big one?

Muggins: Oh that one. Me mum made that one.

Tom : Your mother made it.

Muggins: Yur. She didn't know she was supposed to slice the pepperoni.

Tom : What about this old, dried up one? How old is it?

Muggins: I bought that at the Yesterday USA cafeteria a little while ago. That's my lunch.

EFFECTS: (Crunch)

Tom : While Muggins eats his lunch, let's listen to...

Hot Rod: Hi, Mr. Tom.

Tom : Hello, Hot Rod. Well, what are you collecting?

Hot Rod: I collect wabbits.

Tom : Wabbits?

Hot Rod: No. Not wabbits. Wabbits!

Tom : You collect rabbits.

Hot Rod: Yeah.

Tom : Let's get it over with. What kind of rabbits have you collected?

Hot Rod: Well, let's see. This is a Dutch wabbit.

Tom : It looks like Ginger. It is Ginger. Hello Ginger.

EFFECTS: (Ginger)

Hot Rod: This is a lop-eared wabbit.

Tom : Is it really? Hello Bouncer.

EFFECTS: (Bouncer)

Tom : And what's this? A Welsh rabbit?

Hot Rod: Not weally. It's just a cheese sandwich. Mr. Muggins loaned it to me 'cause my collection wasn't very big. You won't tell anybody, will you?

Tom : You can count on me Hot Rod. I won't breathe a word.

Muggins: Hey, Hot Rod! Are you done with my cheese sandwich yet? I need it for my sandwich collection!

Hot Rod: I like that new one. Is that a whole meat loaf between two slices of bread you're eating?

Muggins: What are you talking about? I'm not eating anything.

Hot Rod: Oh, I'm sowwy. I guess it's just your head in between your ears.

Muggins: That's all right Hot Rod. Anybody can make a mistake. A lot of people say the same thing when they first meet me. Have you added any new rabbits to your collection.

Hpt Rod: Just this funny looking one I got at the pet store yesterday.

Muggins: Let me see that. Oww! That's no rabbit. That's a Porcupine!

Hot Rod: So that's why they warned me not to wub it the wong way. Do you have any new sammiches.

Muggins: Yur. I found a very rare jelly and liverwurst sandwich.

Hot Rod: What's so wawe about jelly and liverwurst?

Muggins: At great personal risk, I stole it... out of Bill Bragg's lunch box.

Hot Rod: Kin I see it?

Muggins: Well, no. I lost it.

Hot Rod: How did you loose so valuable a sammich?

Muggins: I was hungry. I et it for lunch.

Hoy Rod: Oh, bugars!

Muggins: Watch your language, Hot Rod. This is a family station.

Hot Rod: But you say it all the time. How come it's all wight for you to say "bugars" and not for me?

Muggins: Wellll, I wear a hat!

Hot Rod: I never thought of that. Wait a minute! What kinda diffewence does a hat make?

Muggins: It's ummm... it's a bowler hat.

Hot Rod: Oh. If I wore a bowler hat, could I say it then?

Muggins: Well, sure. Here, put mine on.

Hot Rod: (muffled) Bugars!... Bugars!... Bugars, bugars, bugars!

Muggins: Maybe that wasn't such a good idea after all, Hot Rod. Give me my hat back. You're getting in the habit of using bad language.

Hot Rod: Oh, b...

Muggins: Now, now, now!

Hot Rod: If you say it, I can say it.

Muggins: Then I won't ever say it again.

Hot Rod: I bet you will.

Muggins: No I won't!

Hot Rod: Mr. Muggins, there's something stuck to the end of your nose.

Muggins: Oh, bugars!

Cooper : I hear you talk-it 'bout collection. I bring-it mine.

Tom : I can hardly wait. And what is it that you collect, Cooper?

Cooper : I collect-it knees.

Tom : Get out of here, Cooper. You can't collect knees.

Cooper : Sure I do.

Tom : But if you take people's knees, won't they fall down... or something?

Cooper : Don't be a cowbell!

Tom : Don't be a what?

Cooper : How you say it? You know, a dumb ting.

Tom : Don't be a dumb-cow?

Cooper : Yeah, dat's it. Don't be a dumb-cow. Here, I show-it on you.

EFFECTS: (Rustling papers)

Tom : What is this? Oh, I see. It's a scrapbook with pictures of famous knees. And you even have them labeled. Wait a minute! I can't read that. It's Polish!

Cooper : I tell-it you.

Tom : OK. Whose knees are these?

Cooper : Dose be president by United States.

Tom : Tell me, how does the experienced collector go about getting a picture of the president's knees?

Cooper : Is easy. You hide in-it bushes vith camera.

Tom : Here's a nice one. It's even autographed. What does that say?

Cooper : Is Denny Nichols' knees.

Tom : Don't tell me you hid in the bushes outside of Denny Nichols' house while he was jogging.

Cooper : No, no. He sell-it me picture for fifty dollar.

Tom : Oh, no. Denny didn't really con you out of fifty dollars just for a picture of his knees, did he?

Cooper : Not really. See, I send him fifty zloty.

Tom : You sent Denny Polish money. I wish I could have seen his face when he tried to spend fifty zlotys. What's this. It's just a drawing of some knees. I think I can read the signature... "Wayne Thume - 1993".

Cooper : Is self portrait. He do it special on me.

Tom : Don't tell me you sent Wayne Thume fifty zlotys too.

Cooper : No, no. He give-it me picture. I give him ride in Stritcara.

Tom : That sounds like a fair deal. Now what about this picture? There's only one knee.

Cooper : Is very rare. Is Long John Silver knee.

Tom : I get it. Hey, these are funny. These are the knobbiest looking knees I've ever seen. What does this caption mean. Mis-la-wick.

Cooper : Is Mysliwiec. Dat Polish for Hunter. Is you knees.

Tom : That does it Cooper. Out you go. Get your knees on that tram and scram!

Cooper : Vait minutes, vait minutes. You play-it record on me.

Tom : I still wonder how Denny Nichols spent fifty Polish zlotys.

Tom : Now here he is, the man who is still trying to figure out how to spend a surprise donation of fifty Zlotys... Bill Bragg!