Title - Muggins' Letter
Tom : Hi, Muggins. I like your peaked cap.
Muggins: It used to be a flat cap until Grammle took a swing at Denny Nichols and hit me on the head instead!
Tom : Oh. Well, if it makes you feel any better, it suits you. It makes it look like your head comes to a point.
Muggins: It's very kind of you to say so. But I didn't come here to be flattered. Would you do me a favor? Would you read this letter for me.
Tom : Sure, Muggins. Let's see here... Hmmm... Hmmm... Uhuh...
Muggins: No, no. I meant read it out loud to me.
Tom : Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you can't read.
Muggins: Ummm... uh... It's these new glasses!
Tom : You're not wearing glasses.
Muggins: Uh, yur, that's it. I lost them.
Tom : OK, Muggins. I'll be glad to read your letter to you since you (cough) lost your glasses. It says, "Dear Nephew".
Muggins: Oh good. It's from my Uncle Charlie.
Tom : I didn't know you had an Uncle Charlie.
Muggins: Yur, I do. He's my uncle.
Tom : Fancy that. What's his name?
Muggins: Ur... Uhhh... Don't tell me. Ummm
Tom : Should I give you a clue?
Muggins: Yur, OK.
Tom : Were you named after him?
Muggins: Oh, yur, yur. About twenty years after.
Tom : No. I mean were you named Charlie for him?
Muggins: No. I was named Charlie so folks wouldn't confuse me with my brother Bill.
Tom : Let me give you another clue. Your Uncle Charlie has the same name as you.
Muggins: Oh, yur. Then his name must be Muggins. Is that right?
Tom : I Don't know. Is he your uncle on your mother's side or your father's side?
Muggins: That's a hard one... I get my good looks from my father's side of the family. I was named after my Uncle Charlie and I look a lot like him.
Tom : Then I feel sorry for your Uncle Charlie.
Muggins: Oh. I told you not to tell me. I would have guessed it! Eventually.
Tom : Well, tell me Muggins, what does your Uncle Charlie do?
Muggins: Oh, not much. I think he has to sit on the fence for eight hours a day in the square downtown.
Tom : I don't understand. Why would he have to sit on a fence for eight hours a day.
Muggins: That's what he's paid to do of course. He's the village idiot!
Tom : Really. Is there a lot of money in village idiocy?
Muggins: He must have a lot of money. He lives in a house... When he's not sitting on the fence.
Tom : For what town is he the village idiot?
Muggins: Well... I.... Uh... Why do you always ask me these hard questions. Don't you know any simple ones?
Tom : Let me see if there's a return address on this letter. Oh, here it is. I don't know if I should read this on the air. Let's just say he lives in a town named for a lavatory fixture.
Muggins: Oh, I remember. It's my Uncle Charlie, from Johnstown!
Tom : Muggins!
Tom : Now what, Muggins?
Muggins: You still haven't read my letter from Uncle... Uncle...
Tom : Uncle Chsrlie.
Muggins: Yur, that's what I was going to say.
Tom : I'm sorry. We ran out of time on that last break.
Muggins: If you'd read faster that wouldn't happen!
Tom : OK. It says, "Dear Nephew".
Muggins: Isn't that a nice thing to say. Uncle Charlie is always so friendly and polite.
Tom : Has he always been that way?
Muggins: Well, no. When I was little he used to call me "Hey Snot"! But he got a lot more polite when he graduated from idiot's school.
Tom : Is that when he started to call you "Dear Nephew"?
Muggins: No. That's when he started calling me "Dear Snot".
Tom : Then when did he begin calling you "Dear Nephew"?
Muggins: When he started writing me letters. He couldn't spell "Snot"!
Tom : Listen... Do you want me to read this letter or not, Sn... Muggins?
Muggins: I was just saying how friendly and polite Uncle Charlie is. He used to read me letters without wasting so much time.
Tom : What kind of letters did your Uncle Charlie used to read you?
Muggins: Well, let's see... There was the letter "A" And the letter "B". There was another one, but I forget it.
Tom : "C"?
Muggins: No, you see here! Are you going to read Uncle... Uncle... Uncle What's-his-names' letter? Or are you going to keep interupting me?
Tom : OK. It's from Uncle Charlie Muggins, Park Bench, Downtown Johnstown.
Muggins: That's his business address.
Tom : I thought the fence was his business address.
Muggins: It is. But his secretary sits on the park bench.
Tom : I didn't know a village idiot rated a secretary.
Muggins: Oh, yur. It's one of the perks that go with the job.
Tom : What other perks go with it?
Muggins: Well, there's the phone.
Tom : Your uncle, the village idiot, has his own phone?
Muggins; It's more of a phone booth, at the other end of the fence.
Tom : Anything else?
Muggins: Just the two chauffers.
Tom : You mean he gets a city car? Why would he need two chauffers?
Muggins: No! He doesn't have a car. That's why he needs two chauffers.
Tom : I don't understand.
Muggins: It's perfectly obvious! When the secretary goes home at the end of the day, Uncle Charlie sits down on the bench and the two chauffers carry him home.
Tom : If you keep this up, you're going to need two guys to carry you out of here.
Muggins: Aren't you going to read my letter?
Tom : It's time to play Hot Rod's request.
Muggins: He requests to hear my letter.
Hot Rod: No I don't!
Muggins: Well, what do you want then?
EFFECTS: (Streetcar enters)
Muggins: Hello, Cooper. I didn't see you there.
Cooper : Is good ting I see you dere on track and stop-it stritcara in time.
Muggins: Listen Cooper, old buddy, old pal...
Cooper : Oh, oh! I got go.
Muggins: Just a minute. I didn't even tell you what I wanted yet.
Cooper : I don't care. I be late. I should be in Warsaw t'ree years ago.
Muggins: All I want you to do is read this letter for me.
Cooper : Oh, is dat all. All right, give it on me. Hmmm... Hmmm... Sure...
Muggins: No, no. I meant read it out loud to me.
Cooper : Keesno brovniak!
Muggins: Did Uncle Charlie say that?
Cooper : No, no. I mean I can't read dis letter.
Muggins: Why? What's wrong with it?
Cooper : Is not in Polish. I only read-it Polish. Here, you take-it back. I got go.
EFFECTS: (Streetcar leaves)
Muggins: Oh, bugars! Who can I get to read my letter for me?
Tom : There you are Muggins. Do you still want me to read your letter?
Muggins; Yur. I want to know what Uncle Charlie has to say.
Tom : Well, I've played all the records, read the commercial, Cooper has made his stop. So there should be nothing to interrupt us until the end of the show. Are you ready?
Muggins: Yur, yur.
Tom : "Dear Nephew".
________(End of Show)