Working Script for Rabbit Trax Radio Comedy Show #29

Title - Muggins' Letter

Written - 08 JAN 93

Muggins: Hoi!

Tom : Hi, Muggins. I like your peaked cap.

Muggins: It used to be a flat cap until Grammle took a swing at Denny Nichols and hit me on the head instead!

Tom : Oh. Well, if it makes you feel any better, it suits you. It makes it look like your head comes to a point.

Muggins: It's very kind of you to say so. But I didn't come here to be flattered. Would you do me a favor? Would you read this letter for me.

Tom : Sure, Muggins. Let's see here... Hmmm... Hmmm... Uhuh...

Muggins: No, no. I meant read it out loud to me.

Tom : Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you can't read.

Muggins: Ummm... uh... It's these new glasses!

Tom : You're not wearing glasses.

Muggins: Uh, yur, that's it. I lost them.

Tom : OK, Muggins. I'll be glad to read your letter to you since you (cough) lost your glasses. It says, "Dear Nephew".

Muggins: Oh good. It's from my Uncle Charlie.

Tom : I didn't know you had an Uncle Charlie.

Muggins: Yur, I do. He's my uncle.

Tom : Fancy that. What's his name?

Muggins: Ur... Uhhh... Don't tell me. Ummm

Tom : Should I give you a clue?

Muggins: Yur, OK.

Tom : Were you named after him?

Muggins: Oh, yur, yur. About twenty years after.

Tom : No. I mean were you named Charlie for him?

Muggins: No. I was named Charlie so folks wouldn't confuse me with my brother Bill.

Tom : Let me give you another clue. Your Uncle Charlie has the same name as you.

Muggins: Oh, yur. Then his name must be Muggins. Is that right?

Tom : I Don't know. Is he your uncle on your mother's side or your father's side?

Muggins: That's a hard one... I get my good looks from my father's side of the family. I was named after my Uncle Charlie and I look a lot like him.

Tom : Then I feel sorry for your Uncle Charlie.

Muggins: Oh. I told you not to tell me. I would have guessed it! Eventually.

Tom : Well, tell me Muggins, what does your Uncle Charlie do?

Muggins: Oh, not much. I think he has to sit on the fence for eight hours a day in the square downtown.

Tom : I don't understand. Why would he have to sit on a fence for eight hours a day.

Muggins: That's what he's paid to do of course. He's the village idiot!

Tom : Really. Is there a lot of money in village idiocy?

Muggins: He must have a lot of money. He lives in a house... When he's not sitting on the fence.

Tom : For what town is he the village idiot?

Muggins: Well... I.... Uh... Why do you always ask me these hard questions. Don't you know any simple ones?

Tom : Let me see if there's a return address on this letter. Oh, here it is. I don't know if I should read this on the air. Let's just say he lives in a town named for a lavatory fixture.

Muggins: Oh, I remember. It's my Uncle Charlie, from Johnstown!

Tom : Muggins!

Muggins: Hoi!

Tom : Now what, Muggins?

Muggins: You still haven't read my letter from Uncle... Uncle...

Tom : Uncle Chsrlie.

Muggins: Yur, that's what I was going to say.

Tom : I'm sorry. We ran out of time on that last break.

Muggins: If you'd read faster that wouldn't happen!

Tom : OK. It says, "Dear Nephew".

Muggins: Isn't that a nice thing to say. Uncle Charlie is always so friendly and polite.

Tom : Has he always been that way?

Muggins: Well, no. When I was little he used to call me "Hey Snot"! But he got a lot more polite when he graduated from idiot's school.

Tom : Is that when he started to call you "Dear Nephew"?

Muggins: No. That's when he started calling me "Dear Snot".

Tom : Then when did he begin calling you "Dear Nephew"?

Muggins: When he started writing me letters. He couldn't spell "Snot"!

Tom : Listen... Do you want me to read this letter or not, Sn... Muggins?

Muggins: I was just saying how friendly and polite Uncle Charlie is. He used to read me letters without wasting so much time.

Tom : What kind of letters did your Uncle Charlie used to read you?

Muggins: Well, let's see... There was the letter "A" And the letter "B". There was another one, but I forget it.

Tom : "C"?

Muggins: No, you see here! Are you going to read Uncle... Uncle... Uncle What's-his-names' letter? Or are you going to keep interupting me?

Tom : OK. It's from Uncle Charlie Muggins, Park Bench, Downtown Johnstown.

Muggins: That's his business address.

Tom : I thought the fence was his business address.

Muggins: It is. But his secretary sits on the park bench.

Tom : I didn't know a village idiot rated a secretary.

Muggins: Oh, yur. It's one of the perks that go with the job.

Tom : What other perks go with it?

Muggins: Well, there's the phone.

Tom : Your uncle, the village idiot, has his own phone?

Muggins; It's more of a phone booth, at the other end of the fence.

Tom : Anything else?

Muggins: Just the two chauffers.

Tom : You mean he gets a city car? Why would he need two chauffers?

Muggins: No! He doesn't have a car. That's why he needs two chauffers.

Tom : I don't understand.

Muggins: It's perfectly obvious! When the secretary goes home at the end of the day, Uncle Charlie sits down on the bench and the two chauffers carry him home.

Tom : If you keep this up, you're going to need two guys to carry you out of here.

Muggins: Aren't you going to read my letter?

Tom : It's time to play Hot Rod's request.

Muggins: He requests to hear my letter.

Hot Rod: No I don't!

Muggins: Well, what do you want then?

EFFECTS: (Streetcar enters)

Muggins: Hello, Cooper. I didn't see you there.

Cooper : Is good ting I see you dere on track and stop-it stritcara in time.

Muggins: Listen Cooper, old buddy, old pal...

Cooper : Oh, oh! I got go.

Muggins: Just a minute. I didn't even tell you what I wanted yet.

Cooper : I don't care. I be late. I should be in Warsaw t'ree years ago.

Muggins: All I want you to do is read this letter for me.

Cooper : Oh, is dat all. All right, give it on me. Hmmm... Hmmm... Sure...

Muggins: No, no. I meant read it out loud to me.

Cooper : Keesno brovniak!

Muggins: Did Uncle Charlie say that?

Cooper : No, no. I mean I can't read dis letter.

Muggins: Why? What's wrong with it?

Cooper : Is not in Polish. I only read-it Polish. Here, you take-it back. I got go.

EFFECTS: (Streetcar leaves)

Muggins: Oh, bugars! Who can I get to read my letter for me?

Tom : There you are Muggins. Do you still want me to read your letter?

Muggins; Yur. I want to know what Uncle Charlie has to say.

Tom : Well, I've played all the records, read the commercial, Cooper has made his stop. So there should be nothing to interrupt us until the end of the show. Are you ready?

Muggins: Yur, yur.

Tom : "Dear Nephew".

________(End of Show)