Working Script for Rabbit Trax Comedy Radio Show #28

Title - New Year's Resolutions


Cooper

Tom : Have you made any resolutions for the new year, Cooper?

Cooper : Doggone right! I gon' get dem kids off dat track if it be last ting dey do!

Tom : I was thinking more along the lines of resolving to always be on time in the coming year.

Cooper : Is good idea. I tired you always be late.

Tom : Me! I was talking about you!

Cooper : Vhat you mean? You be veek late for family reunion.

Tom : I still got there ahead of you.

Cooper : Vell, I got to follow schedule.

Tom : Let me see that schedule... Warsaw Shortline Interuban schedule for 1894. Well? What do you have to say about that?

Cooper : You play dis record. I be late.


HOT ROD

Hot Rod: Hi, Mr. Tom.

Tom : Hello Hot Rod. What's that you're playing with?

Hot Rod: It's a marble.

Tom : Where did you get the marble?

Hot Rod: I got it from Mr. Muggins.

Tom : Did he give it to you?

Hot Rod: Not eggzactly. I borrowed it out of his glass of water while he was eating lunch.

Tom : I see. Well Hot Rod, have you made any new year's resolutions?

Hot Rod: What's new year's wevolutions?

Tom : That's RESolutions. They're promises you make to yourself to be better in the coming year.

Hot Rod: I get it. You mean like pushing old ladies into puddles and eating evewything in the gwocery store?

Tom : No. I mean like helping old ladies across the street and carrying things home from the grocery store.

Hot Rod: Ohhh. That's no fun! How about bunching up rugs in front of Leonard?

Tom : Ummmm. Ahhhh. Wellllll. I guess that might be okay.

Hot Rod: Or putting gobs of peanut butter on Denny Nichols sandwiches?

Tom : Yesssss. Now your getting the idea.

Hot Rod: You should see what happens when I put a wedge of cheese on one wail of Bill Bwaggs twain twacks.

Tom : I'll bet... Hot Rod! Where did you ever learn that?

Hot Rod: Fwom Wobbie.

Tom : You know how the sleeves on Muggins' jacket are so long?

Hot Rod: Uh huh.

Tom : You could tie them together in back and then watch him try to put it on.

Hot Rod: I like that. I could put bubble gum in John Conly's twain whistle.

Tom : You could use Vern Scott's Paul Whiteman records for frisbees.

Hot Rod; I can't do that.

Tom : Why not?

Hot Rod: I used them all up last week. But I got a better idea.

Tom : What's that?

Hot Rod: I'll slip a funewal march in with Wudy Stark's polka wecords.

Tom : Or we could fill Hot Rod's toybox with tar.

Hot Rod: HEY!

Tom : What's wrong with that?

Hot Rod: I'm Hot Wod!

Tom : Oh. I'm sorry. I got carried away.

Hot Rod: I'm going to keep an eye on this toybox. In fact I'm gonna sit on it.

Tom : You're going to sit on it?

Hot Rod; Yeah. All day.

Tom : Oh. Well, if Homer and Jethro will sing for a while, I might as well go over to the other side of the studio and put out the fire under that big cauldron.


MUGGINS

Tom : Hello Muggins.

Muggins: I didn't see you over there

Tom : Have you made resolutions

Muggins: Yup. I resolve to always know what.s going on in the world around me.

Tom : What else?

Muggins: A whole bunch of things.

Tom : What's the first one?

Muggins: I am going to improve my...my....

Tom : You appearance?

Muggins: No, that's not it. My...uh...

Tom : Your diction.

Muggins: There's nothing wrong with my diction. I always talk with five marbles in my mouth. That's supposed to give you better diction.

Tom : I've heard that. Open your mouth. Let me see. (Echo) Looks like my grandfather's coal chute! I only see four marbles.

Muggins: Uh oh! And here I thought it was the holiday season that gave me the lump in my throat.

Tom : I thought your adam's apple was bigger than usual. It didn't used to hit your chin when it bobbed.

Muggins: So that's what tickles. I thought I was growing a beard.

TOM : Well anyway, what is your new year's resolution?

Muggins: Uh...I forgot.

Tom : Oh.

Muggins: Wait a minute. I have it written down here.

EFFECTS: (Rattles paper)

Muggins: Here it is. I resolve to improve my memory!

Tom : Well, good for you!

Muggins: What's good for me.

Tom : That you're going to improve your memory.

Muggins: I am?

Tom : That's what you just said.

Muggins: Oh, I must have forgot.

Tom : Can you remember what other new year's resolutions you made.

Muggins: No. I forget things unless I write them down.

Tom : But you did write that down.

Muggins; Did I? I better write that down.

Tom : I guess that's smart.

Muggins: That's it. I am going to be smart this year.

Tom : Well, good! Starting when?

Muggins: What do you mean? I've already started.

Tom : I'm sorry.

Muggins: For what? I forgot what we we talking about.

Tom : Muggins, where does Hot Rod hide his candy?

Muggins: You go to the back stairwell, lift up the third tile in the fifth row. You use the key that's underneath to unlock the door. Then you Go up two and a half flights and where the bubble gum is stuck to the bannister you count left two cactuses and one igloo on the wallpaper design and get the numbers for the combination lock. It says 10-28-32 in real light pencil. You use that to unlock the footlocker in the janitors closet behind the boy's room.

Tom : And that's where the candy is.

Muggins; No. That's where I hide the directions I had to write down because I couldn't remember them.

Tom : Muggins...

Muggins: Yur.

Tom : Happy new year!

Muggins: Oh yeah. Yappy tew near to hou yoo.

Tom : What?

Muggins: I get confused. Just a minute, I have it written down here somewhere.

Tom : While you look for it, Let's listen to Peter Sellers.