Working Script for Rabbit Trax Comedy Radio Show #21

TITLE - Watermelons

(Muggins makes a comment.)

Tom____: Oh, hello Muggins. I didn't see you standing there. What's up?

Muggins: Oh, I don't know. I'm broke. I can't even afford to buy a breakfast watermelon.

Tom____: You eat watermelons for breakfast?

Muggins: Yup, yup. With milk and cream, or sometimes I have a watermelon omlette with maple syrup.

Tom____: Doesn't all that watermelon make it hard to fry the eggs?

Muggins: Eggs? What eggs?

Tom____: You mean you just scramble the watermelon in the frying pan? Well anyway, if you're that broke, why don't you get a job?

Muggins: I'd like to. I need some way to keep myself in watermelons.

Tom____: It sounds like you should buy stock in watermelons! Better yet, get a job on a watermelon farm. They probably need a lot of extra help during the harvest.

Muggins: Well, I've never been much for climbing trees. But I could try. Where can I get a job harvesting watermelons?

Tom____: I'll ask a...

Muggins: OK, See you later.

Tom____: Wait. Where are you going?

Muggins: To Alaska. To pick watermelons.

Tom____: Muggins, I said I'll ask a...

EFFECTS: (Doorslam)

Tom____: ...watermelon farmer... for... you. Oh, never mind.

Hot Rod: Hi Mr. Tom.

Tom____: Hello Hot Rod. What's on your mind?

Hot Rod: I was just wonderin', where do watermelons come from?

Tom____: They grow on watermelon trees.

Hot Rod: I've never seen a watermelon twee. What do they wook wike?

Tom____: They have very thick trunks, they're not too high and they have watermelons hanging from the branches.

Hot Rod: I never seen a twee with watermelons hanging from the bwanches.

Tom____: The leaves on a watermelon tree are very dense and the water melons grow close to the trunk, so you don't generally see them. The easiest way to recognize a watermelon tree is by the pillows the farmers put on the ground to keep the ripe watermelons from breaking when they fall.

Hot Rod: I'm going down to Joe's farm and pick me a watermelon.

Tom____: Don't do that Hot Rod. You never want to pick them green. The proper procedure is to lay on your back under the tree with your mouth open and wait for a ripe watermelon to fall.

Hot Rod: OK, thanks. G'bye.

Tom____: That should shut him up for a while, at least until he pries it loose from his mouth.

(Denny Nichols Station Break)

Tom____: Denny, have you been laying under Joe's watermelon tree again?

Tom____: Cooper, that streetcar is full of watermelons. They're piled to the roof! What's going on? Where did you get those?

Cooper_: I bring dem from Alaska.

Tom____: Where could you possibly find watermelons in Alaska?

Cooper_: I just go dere and Muggins, he load dem on.

Tom____: Well, I'll be bloggered! He did find some to harvest. Those look good. May I have one?

Cooper_: No, no. Muggins, he got contract by Piggly-Wiggly. Dey buy all from Muggins, dem vatermelon.

Tom____: Half a watermelon?

Cooper_: I tell you no. I got take dese by store and collect it, money.

Tom____: Boy, that makes me hungry for watermelon. Hot Rod, is there any room under Joe's tree?

Tom____: And now here he is, the man who practices diction by announcing with a dozen watermelons in his mouth, Bill Bragg!

The following were cut from the final script:

Play Denny Nichols station break

Tom____: That wasn't Bill Bragg.

Muggins: No, Bill is busy. He's making mud pies.

Tom____: Is he?

Muggins: Yup, yup. That was Denny Nichols. You know, Bill taught Denny everything he knows.

Tom____: Really.

Muggins: Yeah, he taught him how to wash dishes, how to change the oil on his car. He taught him to milk cows and how to tie his own shoes.

Tom____: And Bill taught him how to announce?

Muggins: No, I taught him that.

Muggins: I'm going to Rinso Valley.

Tom____: Rinso Valley, that sounds familiar, where have I heard of that?

Muggins: Rinso Valley, Kentucky.

Tom____: Oh, you mean...

Muggins: I'm going into the soap business.

Tom____: Just a minute, how are you going into the soap business?

Muggins: I'm going to be a singer.

Tom____: You've lost me.

Muggins: I'm going to be an opera singer. In the Rinso Valley radio show. I'm going to sing in the soap opera opera.

Muggins: Balderdash!

Tom____: Balderdash? That's a word you don't hear every day. Tell me what it means.

Muggins: I dunno. It's my liar's name. See.

Tom____: Let me see that card. Hmmm. Emmanuel K. Balderdash, Attorney. That's lawyer, not liar.

Muggins: Well, he's at the Liar's Club meeting.

Tom____: And where exactly is that?

Muggins: He said he was going to the bar.