Chicago, Illinois - 1966
Adrovdgas in their varied forms have year 'round appeal to the demanding connoiseur. He knows how to appreciate the tender flakiness of baked spring adrovdga; accepts nothing but well done, mouth watering summer adrovdga; expects only the best in smooth, creamy squashed autumn adrovdga; and demands the fresh goodness of winter adrovdga-on-a-stick.
The preparation of adrovdgas need not be difficult for the modestly experienced cook. If one knows the seasonal peculiarities of adrovdgas, one has only to apply the proper method of cooking to turn out prouducts equal to those of the best adrovdga stands.
Summer adrovdga is the most difficult to prepare. This can be easily understood by examining the growing cycle of the adrovdga. At the end of the spring growing season the ripe adrovdga detaches itself from the tree and climbs to the ground where it joins its fellows as they swarm in great hordes toward the swamp.
Dr. Shaddom Fentor, renowned head of the zoology department at the Drocer Institute, has theorized that the drive for this swampward migration has been inherited from the first, or "Primal Adrovdga". He believes that when the Primal Adrovdga was brought to Earth from the dark edge of the Solar System, it was planted in the depths of the swamp.
Later, when the tree into which it grew was discovered by the first cavemen and adrovdgas were taken out of the swamp to more accesible areas, they all retained a desire to return to the dark planet beyond Pluto. The first step in the long journey is to find the primal adrovdga tree, which legend says still grows deep in the swamp.
Fortunately the progress of the adrovdgas is slow, only a few miles a day. Many are stopped by natural obstructions or captured by daring bounty hunters.
Summer adrovdgas must be treated as meat. They can be baked, boiled, fried, scorched or burned. But they absolutely must be well done! Improperly cooked summer adrovdgas have been known to bite in half the forks of unsuspecting diners. Usually the raw adrovdga will squirm off the plate if prodded or literally jump into the air if jabbed. To the best of my knowledge a raw adrovdga has never actually been swallowed. The consequences of such a meal are unpleasant to contemplate to say the least.
At the approach of cold weather the migrating adrovdgas find it necessary to halt their progress and burrow into the ground for the coming winter. The cold adrovdgas soon become dormant. These are know as "fall adrovdgas."
Fall adrovdgas can be located with the aid of specially bred kangaroos. The kangaroo must then be restrained from stomping the adrovdga while it is dug from the ground and immediately frozen.
The best way by far to cook a fall adrovdga is to peel and dice it, then to deep fry it in sour milk. When being prepared in quantity in this manner, the adrovdgas can be placed in roasting pans and stomped to a pulp by a cook (or a kangaroo) with clean feet. The resuting mush is thickened with floor wax and fried in small quantities to be served with sweet syrup or Wesson oil. This product is called "squashed adrovdga."
With the coming of winter the adrovdgas are frozen alive in their burrows. This is the time of year when children like to wander through the woods with long, wickedly pointed sticks, poking them into every mound that looks like it might contain an adrovdga. They squeal with delight if, when they pull out their sticks, there is a frozen adrovdga on the end. They also squeal, but for different reasons, if they skewer an adrovdga that is not completely dormant and it quickly eats its way up the stick.
An enterprising (and lucky) youngster may come back from an afternoon's hunting with three or four adrovdgas on his stick. These adrovdgas should be eaten while still frozen, much like a Popsicle, or they can be plunged into boiling water fortified with a teaspoon of rat poison and held there until they stop struggling. They can then be cooled, sliced and served as cold cuts.
At the comming of spring the buried, dormant adrovdgas that survive sprout into trees. Although the roots, bark, leaves and blossoms of the trees have been considered by many late connoiseurs to be among the tastiest dishes in the world, they are deadly poisonous and are only served on the most special occasions. Their preparation is beyond the scope of this manuscript.
The trees grow to maturity over a period of three years. At the beginning of the fourth growing season the blossoms turn into tiny adrovdgas or "adrovdglettes." In another month the adrovdglettes turn into ripe adrovdgas.
There is a period of approximately one week during which adrovdgas can be picked. The end of this picking season is indicated when the adrovdgas start shaking and jumping in their attempts to break loose from the trees.
Ripe spring adrovdgas are generally treated as pastry. They taste best when clobbered then rolled out with a greased rolling pin and baked. Browning in a shallow frying pan with vinegar can add variety to this popular dish.
Another possibility is to cut a small hole in one end of the adrovdga so it can be cleaned and filled with pie filling. Spring adrovdgas stuffed in this manner also can be eaten after baking.
As you can see, if you use this simple advice, a little common sense and an uncommon amount of caution, there is no reason why you should not be able to serve tasty and appetizing adrovdgas at every meal.